It just so happends that despite what I've said or what I try to play off or what is good for me. I'm unconditionally in love with the before mentioned guy. We will call him sam.
In a nutshell sam and I have had a rocky relationship full of break ups and hook ups and whatever else. This summer was different. This summer i fell in love. Now i thought I had been "in love before" and OMG when ever a boy would break up w me I would play the "so in love card!" No. If I have learned anything over the past two years its that when you are IN love, you know it. Its not questionable. Its a feeling you get when you know that whatever your sam does, whatever wierd thing he says, or whatever disgusting thing he does, you still look at him with puppy dog eyes. Its the most amazing feeling in the world and this summer Sam loved me back.
I honestly thought he was "the one." and to an extent i still believe it. Sam got scared... you know how boys are. Sam wanted to be the player who his friends looked up to. I knew differently, very differently. I saw a side to him that No one has seen. I've shared things with him and him me. Sam broke my heart on oct. the 9th. And believe me ive been broken up with plenty times before, not saying im a bad catch or anything.... ive done plenty of breaking up myself, but im just saying i know how this goes. guy cuts it off with girl. girl gets dramatic. girl gets over it within a couple of months. This time was different. It litterally felt like someone had died. I have never felt so much pain in my life than i have felt the past couple of months. I had my fits the first two weeks and then tried to move on or at least dilly-dally in the ocean of males. I try to be happy and ive tried to put on a smile in front of everyone. I pray every night that the day that I don't think about him will come soon. I dont know how much more my heart can handle, im only human.
Love is a terrible thing. Ive gone through so much torture i dont know when it's going to end. I hope soon because I just cant do this anymore. I cant pretend im ok. My friends and Family all hate him so no one is on my side. but i dont really know what my side it! do i want him back? or do i just want to NOT love him anymore? is it possibly to fall out of love? This is something i guess i have to go through a lone. No one understands how much pain ive been in the past couple of months and its not their fault. I dont want to be a cry baby i just need to get this out. I dont blame them either, i mean he kinda is an uncontrolable ass hole. I am the only person who thinks like me so of course i would be the only person to understand. It is just so hard. Thats all i can say. Its hard. Times the only thing thats going to help.
K just got home. Shes going out, blogging would be a sad excuse not to go with her, so i leave for now, but more to come in the morning.
